In My Life
by Jaydee B Bailey
Summary: Sam and Jack are not together, we all know they should be... What happened and how will they find eachother? Read and find out. S/J. Set after Continuum and then some. Unfinished and will remain so for a while. Sorry!
1. Anyone will do

Hm... Summary...  
Let's just say that Sam and or Jack do not die in this story. Sure, there's angst and unhappy moments, but come on... Even Disney movies have those!  
If this chapter makes you feel uneasy, close your eyes and repeat this line in your head: ''It'll all be alright in the end''

...I think. ;)

* * *

**In My Life**

~Anyone will do

Nothing had changed. The waiter behind the dark wooden bar looked the same, even though he was another person. The framed pictures on the walls had started to collect a thin layer of dust, but still contained the same smiling faces they always had. The tables showed the same shallow scratches and the brand of the beer they used had remained the same. The sound of laughter and soft music still echoed trough the room and the bar still smelled like stale cigarette smoke and spilled alcohol. No one noticed the way time seemed to have stopped within these walls. A young female singer stepped on the small podium in the back and started to play on her guitar. Jack couldn't make out where he knew the tune from, but he allowed himself to use the music to wallow on. Everyone seemed to look so young these days. Fresh faces, leather jackets that seemed worn, but smelled brand new… Jack knew for a fact that he wasn't even close to being the oldest person in the room, but he sure did feel like it.

A brunette stared at him and smiled in a way that even blind men could interpret the right way and Jack lifted his bottle of beer at her. She took the gesture as an encouragement and made her way over to him and sat down on the stool next to his. She was pretty. Not as gorgeous as Sam had been to him, though. Where she had an overwhelming natural beauty which came from intelligence, character as well as appearance, this woman was just …pretty. She was about Sam's age. About Sam's height. Had the same sparkle in her eyes. But she wasn't like her at all. Jack called the waiter, Whit, and called for two whiskey. He wasn't sure if the woman was a whiskey drinker, but he didn't really care. He didn't really care about a lot of things these days. She introduced herself as Monica and all Jack said in response was ''Nice to meet ya.''.

They had somehow talked the night away, but none of the conversation seemed to have stuck with him. He blamed the alcohol. The alcohol and the sorrow he had felt washing over him, crushing his heart and making him feel as if he got smacked to the floor. When Jack woke up, he felt a sharp throbbing headache and he was happy to be able to feel the pain caused by his hangover. He heard the shower and untangled his arms from the tossed sheets. If Sam could have seen him now… She'd be pissed off. Incredibly pissed off.

* * *

_''Jack! Come on, we're late!''_

_Jack watched Sam as she rushed trough the room, looking for her car keys. Not once during her mad run trough the house had she looked at him and he was waiting for the look on her face when she turned to look at him._

_''Seriously, could you at least pretend to help me look for…''_

_Priceless. Jack held up the keys and couldn't help but smirk. She sighed at him and grabbed them from his hand._

_''Not a word, O'Neill… Not a word.''_

_Jack followed her out the door and raised his eyebrows._

_''Thank you, Jack. You saved the day. You're my hero…''_

_Sam turned around and tried to hide her smile. Jack continued with a mock hurt expression on his face._

_''…If it wasn't for you, Jack, I'd still be running from room to room, tossing pillows aside and looking under tables. I love you.''_

_Sam slapped him against his arm and rolled her eyes._

_''Fine. Fine. Thanks Jack. I love you for finding the keys *you* misplaced…''_

_Jack grinned and slid his arms around her waist. He kissed her and pulled her even closer._

_''We could stay at home tonight, you know?''_

_He wiggled his eyebrows and Sam let out a short laugh._

_''It's the President, Jack. We can't just call in sick ...you know.''_

_Jack pulled a serious face and grabbed his phone._

_''I have the number to his cell phone…''_

_Sam giggled and kissed him on the cheek before pulling him to the car._

_''I didn't get dressed up for nothing, buddy…''_

* * *

He watched the clock and found that time really did seem to move slower when you see the minutes pass. The ticking seemed to get louder too. Six o'clock, seven minutes, thirteen seconds, fifteen, seventeen… His thoughts got disrupted by the sound of the microwave. He had been hungry, but now he wasn't so sure anymore. Jack stood up and grabbed the hot plate, which caused his fingers to burn. He swore, but didn't let go. His misery had found the place in his stomach that it had taken up since he lost everything and sitting alone in his house, eating microwave dinners made him feel bitter as well as comfortable. He wished he could be mad. At God, at the one who took Sam from him, at himself… Instead he felt nothing. Sure he missed her, sure he was sad, but all his feelings had flattened into a big ball of nothing much at all.  
He had actually spoken to a shrink. One who knew how to deal with loss, gave him pills and weekly sessions, but it didn't do a thing. He needed her back. He had been told to get out more. Visit friends and meet new people. He could call Monica, but in all fairness, they didn't really connect. He knew he should probably feel some kind of regret for spending time with her, but even that emotion seemed to have left him. He shoved his dinner aside, turned on the TV and found a movie he had never seen. He wouldn't see it now, either, because he drifted off into a sound sleep.

* * *

_''…and lovers… compares with you, hmhmhmhmhmm …their meaning…''_

_Jack glanced to the side, where Sam was humming and singing along with the song on the radio, while tapping her fingers on the dashboard and staring out of the window._

_''I love your version of this song. Passionate, yet sober. Classic, but you really made it your own…''_

_Sam smiled, but continued to stare outside._

_''I know, it's pretty amazing, isn't it? Today you're the only one who gets to hear it, but tomorrow… who knows? American Idol maybe…''_

_She faked a dreamy sigh and turned to Jack._

_''I could be famous one day.''_

_He grinned in response and put a hand on her knee._

_''Yes. And that's the only reason I'm with you. When you're a famous singer, I'll be the guy that makes a profit out of selling items you have used.''_

_It earned him a playful slap on his hand and the everlasting image of Sam sticking out her tongue at him._

* * *

''Sorry, heeft U misschien een pen die ik kan lenen?''

Sam looked up at the man and squinted her eyes against the bright sunlight surrounding his silhouette.

''Uh, I…''

He smiled at her and made an apologizing gesture with his hand.

''You don't speak the language, I'm sorry. You seemed to be so at home here…''

She returned his smile and shrugged.

''Yeah, I guess I should start a course soon, huh?''

She enjoyed her bohemian lifestyle, she enjoyed the city she was living in, but something was missing. Something vital she would probably never find again. She folded her hands around her cup of coffee and shivered when she felt the cold come into the café because a group of students came strolling in.

''…American? Canadian? I never could tell those apart… The English, those I recognise.''

She realized that he man had spoken to her and instead of apologizing for not listening, she decided to guess which answer she was supposed to give.

''American, the difference is there, but I can imagine it's not something noticeable.''

The man nodded.

''Anyway, you were asking for a… pen?''

He grinned at her and held his head to the side.

''Maybe you don't need that course after all!''

She laughed and rummaged inside her back to fish out a pen and handed it over. He retreated to his table and started to scrabble notes on a yellow piece of paper. She stared out of the window and took in the sight of the traffic and groups of tourists who where without a doubt listening to stories about the city's past. Maybe even the same stories her husband had told her after they moved here. They had spent so much time in this part of the city, that her first words in the strange foreign language must have been _rondvaartboot_ and _wiet_. One of her husbands colleagues, Dirk?, walked past the window and waved at her. She loved the atmosphere in the streets, she loved the way the city 'worked'. And yet, she wished she didn't have to be here.

* * *

Odd, huh? Don't worry. It's Sam and Jack all the way!  
...Just not at this moment.

Thanks for your time! :)


	2. No more champagne

**Thanks for the reviews!  
**I hope I manage to keep this interesting. I updated soon, so I hope that makes up for me not explaining much yet? *crosses fingers* ;)  
And please do keep the mantra of this story in mind: ''It'll be alright...''

Here we go. Chapter two.

**

* * *

**

**In My Life**

~No more champagne

Never before had life seemed as empty as it did now. Sam stood in front of the window, feeling chilled to the bone as if the freezing air she was staring at, had somehow invaded her body. She rubbed her arms to get a little warmer, but failed at her task. When she felt a hand on her shoulder she didn't even shiver.  
Nothing could get to her more than the heavy cold she felt gripping her insides. Words reached her, but did not quite register. She felt how breathing got more difficult by the minute.

''Sam?''

She snapped out of whatever it was that was getting to her and she felt her muscles relax. She took a deep breath and faced her husband, knowing what was to come.  
Knowing what he would say...

''Please stop. Just… Stop.''

He looked at her with pleading eyes and sighed out of frustration. She couldn't do this. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. She was running on empty and remained silent.

''He won't come back. He's… gone, Sam. I know what you went trough together, but he won't…''

Sam stared at him and refused to give in to the tears and the faint feeling of depression she was desperately trying to hold back.

''I know.''

Without saying another word, she grabbed her coat and left the apartment. She needed fresh air, no matter how cold it was outside.

* * *

_Jack looked at her and grinned. He did that, it wasn't that strange, but the glint in his eyes that accompanied said grin was an indication of whatever he was going to say.  
She braced herself for a true Jack O'Neill style comment, but was utterly relieved at his boyish statement._

''_I need to pee.''_

_Sam sighed and couldn't stop a giggle from escaping her mouth._

''_We just left home, Jack. You could have…''_

_He cut her off and she could have sworn that his voice now matched his childish comment._

''_I didn't have to go back home. I do now. I'll just pull over and…''_

_She laughed. And so did he._

''_Jack… I know receptions at the White House bore you, but I will not let you use this as an excuse to stall.''_

_She hoped she at least sounded firm, but knew that her chances were slim._

''_Fine'' _

_He gave in, but made sure that she had some time to reconsider. After ten seconds he shrugged and winked at her._

''_Off to see the President. I hope there's real food...''

* * *

_

He held his razor near his jaw, but was still contemplating. He could grow a beard. It would be the fitting thing to do when misery hovered over you, waiting to strike.  
The phone rang and even though he stopped believing in signs or premonitions a long time ago, he put away his shaving devise for much later use.  
He wiped the shaving cream off his face as he searched for his cell phone.

''James.''

Short and in a way that would warn whoever was on the other side of the line to skip all nonsense. Good.  
After a short while, a soft voice broke the silence.

''Hi, it's Monica. Um, you know…''

Jack sighed and briefly lowered his cell. Did he really need this right now? He put he phone back to his ear and decided to play nice.

''Yeah, yeah, sure. Hi.''

They talked. About he weather, schools and the crazy antics of her cat and five year old son and before Jack had realised he had agreed to go on a 'real date' this time.  
He finished the call and wished he could call a friend for advice. His hands started to tremble and he made his way back to the bathroom, where he grabbed the sink and bent over it, feeling drained. He looked up at the reflection in the mirror, unsure of who exactly was staring back at him. The man looked older, but fit. His stubble made him look worn out, but in a good way.

''I'm… James. James Fielding. I'm an Aquarius, love cats and brunettes. I have no children, no solid relationship and I sell used cars…''

He wasn't convinced. It was all one big lie.

''My name is James Fielding…''

* * *

''_Jack, Samantha!'''_

_The President and the First Lady both smiled as the pair walked up to meet their friends._

_Sam and Jack smiled as well, but Sam was sure that Jack was faking it. _

''_There are so many people who are dying to meet you two… Champagne?'' _

_The First Lady led the way over to the other room. Jack leaned over to Sam and smirked._

''_Oh joy, champagne.''_

_She rolled her eyes in response and grabbed him by the arm to pull him close enough to have some words with him in private._

''_You know… It wasn't my idea to make the Stargate programme public… But now that it is, at least *act* like the heroic poster boy that you are?''_

_Jack grinned._

''_Poster boy?!''_

''_Oh yeah…''_

_She wiggled her eyebrows at him and smiled as the President introduced them to other probably very important guests._

* * *

The wind made her cheeks tingle and she put her collar up in order to protect a little more of her exposed skin. Two days before the start of a new year. The city centre was lit up and she stopped at the central square to watch the still present Christmas tree in all its glory. Sam listened to the mixture of different languages around her and watched how couples huddled up together in attempt to stay warm.

''Everything alright?''

She spun around, slipped and ungraciously fell into the arms of her smiling husband. She nodded and held on to him.

''How did you know I would be here?''

He shrugged and grinned, briefly reminding her of Jack. She hated it when that happened and it made her let go of him.

''It's what you always do when you're thinking about him.''

She wanted to protest against that statement, but knew it was the truth. She wanted to explain the way she had felt about Jack O'Neill, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to do so. She wanted to say that everything would be ok, but even that sounded like a lie to her. Instead she did what she always did when they touched this subject. Find a way out.

''You know… I think I'm finally getting to understand this language.''

He sighed and knew what she was trying to do. He turned to face the decorated tree.

''We need to talk about this, Sam. Don't pretend like he hasn't been hanging over our marriage like a rain cloud.''

She looked at the floor and wished she could find the words to make it all better. Nothing came to mind. Nothing but a lie.

''I'm fine with it.''

He gently grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around, before brushing her hair from her face.

''You still love him.''

''I do.''

He was taken aback with her statement, but he also seemed to be relieved. Sam bit her lip and looked him in the eyes.  
She swallowed and he sighed again while stroking her cheek.

''He's dead Sam.''

She took a deep breath.

''I know.''

...

* * *

*gasps*

Have no fear. Let not the mention of character death scare you. I have plans.

Thanks for your time! :)


	3. Never again we two

I'm sorry! Life would not let me update sooner... I have not abandoned this story.  
Only a little update, but the next chapter is on it's way!

* * *

**In my life**

~Never again we two

The clock was ticking and Sam wondered why people never used the silent types in quiet spaces where one was to sit, shut up and wait. Maybe that was why the chairs in the room were screwed to the floor. Maybe it was to prevent people to grab them and smash the…

''Samantha Carter?''

She glanced at the lady who had been sitting next to her for the last five minutes and read something in her eyes that could not be translated into words. She nodded at her and noticed that she had been holding on to her purse hard enough to leave marks from her nails in it. She smiled at the woman in the white coat and muttered a greeting. Sam shot one last look at the ticking clock before the door was closed behind her. 2.15.

* * *

''…_Do you know that man?''_

_Jack kept a straight face, but Sam could tell he was amused. She turned around to see who he was talking about and spotted a stiff looking man in a suit with bow tie. She returned her attention to Jack._

''_No, why?''_

_Jack allowed a small grin to show. _

''_He's checking you out…''_

_Sam rolled her eyes._

''_Oh come on, it's not like every guy who looks my way is checking…''_

''_Doctor Carter?''_

_Jacks grin grew as she slowly turned around yet again. The man in the suit was now standing behind her with a big smile on his face. He looked like a puppy wanting to play and seemed very impressed with… everything. His eyes wondered off while he desperately tried to look her in the eyes. She nodded and shook the man's hand. She suddenly vaguely remembered being introduced to him earlier. A Prime Minister of a small country… Double first name… Nothing came to her. Jack wasn't helping her either. He didn't remember his name, or he simply enjoyed her silent struggle. Either way, he was going to hear about this later…_

''_Hi''_

_The Prime Minister chatted about climate change and the Stargate program's involvement in finding a solution and Sam never did get his name._

* * *

''…this car is a very solid and trustworthy one. It used to be owned by a young girl who needed an upgrade. It's in perfect condition, hardly ever used… Think about it.''

Jack walked away, leaving the couple to decide between an SUV and the small vehicle. It wouldn't matter what they would choose, because both cars were pretty much useless. He could have told them that. Jack O'Neill would have, but James Fielding wasn't supposed to give a damn. James Fielding was an ass. He walked into the office to prepare the paperwork.

''James?''

The familiar voice echoed through the open space of the showroom and shortly after, a brunette poked her head through the door.

''Here you are!''

Monica smiled at him and he mimicked her expression. He didn't feel happy, but he didn't care about that either.

''Yeah… Busy with the paperwork, digging through my memo's…''

Oh, the irony of that. Monica, always cheerful, ignored his mood if she had even noticed it at all.

''You work too hard. Lunch?''

* * *

Sam's head was pounding and she wasn't sure if that was due to whatever was growing inside it, or due to the flow of information the doctor had given her. She understood it all. She knew what she had just been told, but it seemed so unreal… Inoperable. She walked up to a bench and sat down. She had spent half of her life fighting off space creatures, dying and getting cured… She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and looked at the numbers in her phonebook. She had to call her husband. He needed to know… She scrolled down the list of names of people she didn't even wish to get to know better. And there it was, causing her insides to do a back flip and her breath stop for a second. Jack O'Neill. She had never been able to delete his number, no matter how many times she had tried to do so. She felt the tears welling up and she cursed at herself for breaking the promise she had made herself. She was going to be strong. She took a deep breath, but couldn't help breaking down, bit by bit. She shouted.

''Damn it!''

She buried her head in her hands and cried. Alone and unseen by anyone who mattered to her.

__________________

_Jack saw her from the corner of his eyes. Dressed like the average guest at the reception, holding a glass of wine. He felt his heart beat faster and he wished he could make her go away by closing his eyes. He couldn't. He turned his head slightly, giving the woman a nod without Sam noticing the little gesture. _

''_I'll be back in a few, OK?'' _

_He made a gesture at the door opening and Sam nodded. The woman was already making her way out of the room and Jack felt as if he was about to betray Sam with her. He followed her into an abandoned hallway. _

''_General O'Neill…'' _

_The woman started, but Jack cut her off._

''_It's time.''_

''_Yes.''_

_Jack sighed and shook his head. He had known this moment would come, eventually._

''_I take it you have a plan?''_

* * *

Monica had been chattering to him and he had only heard half of it. He had heard the things he needed to hear and shut himself off for the rest. Jack concentrated himself on the task at hand, which meant he had to try to get two glasses filled with hot tea to the last remaining table. His phone rang, but he didn't feel like answering.

''James?''

''My hands are kind of tied right now…''

He noticed how an old lady was slowly shuffling herself to the target table and Jack started to walk a little faster. No… not Jack. Jack would have let the lady sit. James. Now _he_ would snatch the table… Jack didn't even like tea all that much.

''The call might be important, James. What if it's work?''

Yeah. Maybe a junior salesman needed saving. Maybe a car had transformed into an evil alien and now held all the customers hostage… Sure. Important.

''Would you mind taking it?''

He used his head to indicate in which pocket Monica would find his phone and she fished it out with a sly grin. She answered the call.

''He's occupied at the moment, can I give him a message? Mmm. Yeah. Alright, hang on…''

She looked at him.

''He says you will want to speak to him… A Mark Jacobs?''

Every single thought he had about the table and the old lady disappeared from his mind. So did James Fielding. He handed Monica the two glasses and took the phone. He walked off until he was within a safe distance from anyone who could listen in.

''Mr. President.''

''O'Neill''

They had made a deal. No one would contact him unless it concerned the death of a former friend, an emergency or anything that would need his expertise on the Stargate program. Apparently, this was on of those situations.

''Who died?''

Silence greeted him on the other side of the line.

''It's her, isn't it?''

''She's alive, but there's something I think you should know, Jack…''

He finished the call, and walke off, leaving Monica behind. He never as much as looked back to see her succeed in conquering the last table. He never looked back to see the old lady shake her head in annoyance.

James… No _Jack_, had a plane to catch.

...

* * *

That's it for now, there's more to come! And yes, Jack taking a plane means that togetherness is bound.  
Thanks for your time!


	4. Chase the shadows away

Updating! Updating! I am! *blushes*

**___________________**

**In my life**

~Chase the shadows away

''…So now what? They're not even trying to make you better?!''

Her husband paced in front of the window Sam was staring out of. A pigeon flew up and she looked how it spread it's wings and escaped the crowds from the city beneath.

''I mean, with all the new technology you guys brought back from god knows where, they can't fabricate a simple cure? What point in giving people hope when nothing good is being done with all the information out there?''

The sound of his footsteps stopped and Sam knew he was looking at her. She, however, kept her gaze focused on the bird and it's rather ungraceful flight.

''What about one of those things that saved your father?''

Her head snapped up and she found herself staring at him, not knowing what to say. She had never spoken to him about her life as a member of SG-1. She had never shared her feelings about the program with him and he couldn't know how much him talking about it hurt her. And yet… it did.

''No.''

He raised his arms and now stood in a theatrical pose which would have made her laugh if she would have been happy.

''Why not? It could save your…''

''It's not that simple.''

She stared at him. He stared back and wondered how much further he could push it.

''Sam…''

He would star pleading with her, as he had done on many occasions. They didn't fight. He pushed her for information, to share her feelings, to talk to him and she would shut him out. Sam had walked away. She had left all things Stargate behind and moved to a different country to do so. The information was public knowledge and her husband had read the articles and seen the documentary and the movie trilogy, but never had he heard the stories about his wifes life first hand. He knew about Jack, though. Their epic romance, which in the movies seemed far more angst filled than it had felt to her. She had felt she owed him that bit. He was competing with the ghost of a man who was a real life international hero. The man who, unlike in the movie, died a very ordinary death.

* * *

''_Beer.''_

_Sam looked at Jack from the drivers seat. She raised an eyebrow._

''_Beer?''_

_He shrugged and nodded in response._

''_Yeah.''_

''_Yeah?…''_

_He grinned, looked out the front window and spotted a small store in the distance. Sam sighed and turned into the parking lot. She felt tired and her outfit had lost it's appeal to her. It had to go and be replaced for something much more comfortable. She watched Jack as he got out of the car, unwilling to follow him. Not that he seemed to be waiting for her to do so…_

''_I'll be back in a sec.'' _

_He started to walk away but stopped midway. He looked over his shoulder and Sam felt a shiver run over her spine when he did. Jack jogged back and she lowered her window. He remaine silent for a couple of seconds._

''…_Do you um… Do you need anything?''_

_Sam shook her head, both in response to his question and to try and shake of the eerie feeling._

_He swallowed and seemed to look for something to say, but decided against doing so. Instead, he kissed her and walked away again. She had to call him back. Something was… off. He had been silent all the way back and… She sat back in her seat and told herself to get a grip. She could ask Jack what was going on later. Sam looked in the mirror and got distracted by a young couple coming out of a car, arguing. Exactly at the moment the two leant in for a kiss to make up, Sam heard the gunshots coming from the store._

* * *

Jack grabbed his bag and got into the cab. He had travelled light and he was certain he had forgot things when he was packing. Who in his right mind would travel all the way from The U.S. to a country in Europe for god knows how long, with only one duffel bag with some clothes and a wallet? Especially when that someone was supposed to be a boring salesman without the history Jack had in the Air Force?

The silver Mercedes drove through the city at high speed and he was impressed when the driver managed to steer away from everyone who walked trough a red light. Jack would even forgive him if he was taking the long route to the address given to him. He looked out the window and took in the sight of the old fashioned houses and small buildings housing hotels and small shops. As they entered the city centre, the streets got narrow and the crowd thicker. Right when Jack wondered if the cab would even be able to fit through, it stopped.

''The hotel, sir.''

He nodded and paid. When he got out he breathed in the air, the same air she was breathing in. Sam. He hadn't been this close to her in a couple of years… He rubbed his face and felt the stubble he had grown. He felt the lines of a face he had grown accustom to, but wich he would never grow to like.

''Have a nice stay, sir''

_Sir_… Jack sighed and waved at the canbdriver as he drove off. He needed to see her. He needed to find Sam. Now. He looked up at the cooing pigeon which was seated on the entrance of the building and wished he had it's wings.

* * *

She sat at the same table in the same little cafe she always visited. Steam was still coming from her coffee and the sun shone in and landed on her face. Sam sighed and smiled. She hadd no idea how long it was going to last, but life was kind of good. Eventhough her husband would never truly get what drove her, at least he cared enough to try and find out. He cared enough to let her take off alone if she needed time to think… And still the gloom she had been feeling lately never seemed to subside. She nipped from her coffee and decided she needed to find something, anything to remind her of the times that had passed. She paid for the coffee and wondered off.

* * *

Jack was in need of a toothbrush. And shaving cream. Socks and underwear. He knew he should have spent more time packing… He made his way trough the crouded shopping street and couldn't help but occasionaly look for that one face he was hoping to see. He knew the odds were slim, but he didn't care. She lived in the area, right in the heart of the city… Stranger things had happened to him, right?

He shook his head when he noticed the newest piece of Stargate merchandise in the window of a bookstore: _''Stargate SG-1: The truth behind the myth. The illustrated version''. _He entered the store. If this would be the only way to see her face today, then it would have to do.

* * *

A giggle escaped her when her eyes flew over the lines in the book she was holding. She hoped no one would recognise her reading it… The truth behind the myth? She wondered whos truth it might be, because it sure wasn't the one she knew. Not quite. Sam was so caught up in the book that she didn't notice the person sanding next to her, reaching for a copy of the very same book she was skimming trough. She didn't notice the gasp he produced at the sight of her. She did, however, notice the pain when the 200 plus hardcover book the man had dropped landed on her toes. He stared at her, but quickly recovered.

''I… I'm sorry.''

The man ran his hand rough his grey hair and smiled at her. Sam thought she saw a glint of recognition in his brown eyes, but it faded away.

''It's OK, really''

He seemed lost for a moment and he looked down at the fallen book laying on the floor.

''…I never quite got what people saw in those stories. So what if there is a gateway to other planets?''

He shrugged, but didn't seem to connect her to the stories in question. He looked at her and did not seem to see Samantha Carter, the scientist/soldier.

''Me neither, it all seems so…silly''

She smiled, but felt her toes burn as she moved to pick the book up. She grimaced and the man quickly bent over to grab it before she could.

''Did I hurt you?''

His concern was evident on his face and she nodded.

''Sort of…''

He gestured at the terrace nearby and offered to buy her a drink to make up for it. She knew she should say no and leave. She had to decline, but something about the stranger seemed so familiar…

''Sure''

She followed him outside and he helped her to a chair.

''I'm James, by the way. James Fielding.''

* * *

Togetherness. There you go. S/J from now on... Sort of ;)

Thanks for your time!


	5. The way that you kiss goodnight

To those who wndered what happened to this story... I don't know! I had a hard time continuing it, mojo and story wise, but I think I sorted it out. I will continue this one, because it's interesting to write from... where I'm writing from, if that makes any sense. ;) I'm sorry for the long wait and I hope not to have scared you away. This one will see an ending! :P  
Thanks for all the reviews so far!

* * *

**In my life**

~The way that you kiss goodnight

Sam laughed out loud and the sound caused a bucket of memories to be poured out over him. Jack had felt so numb, for so long that even something as simple as that laugh could catch him completely off guard. He had Sam Carter sitting so close to him that he could reach out and touch her, an action he was doing his best to suppress. She wasn't _his_ anymore. Married to someone else, different hairstyle and an expression in her still bright eyes he could not quite place…He smirked at her, secretly feeling satisfied that after a bunch of years, he could still make her laugh. He still had it.

''What about them?''

She nodded in the direction of an elderly couple who were strolling by, their attention pointed at the roof of one of the old buildings. The kind of couple Sam and he could have become.

''Oh… they will stick it out. You can tell. The way he supports her during the walk, the way she smiles at him when he isn't looking at her… They're…''

He made a small gesture and Sam, who was looking at the couple with visible melancholy, finished his sentence flawlessly.

''…drawn together.''

Jack smiled and nodded.

''Like …magnets.''

Her head snapped up and she looked a him as if he had just slapped her in the face. He wasn't sure what he had just done to upset her, but he knew that at that very moment, Jack had popped up and smothered 'James Fielding'. He scraped his throat.

''Want some more coffee?''

This was going well…

* * *

She shook it off. The familiarity, the feeling of comradery… She didn't know this man, no matter how much he reminded her of him. His question about the coffee sounded vaguely in the background and she tried to concentrate on his words.

''No, thanks.''

She smiled and hoped it seemed sincere, because she did like him.

''I'm supposed to meet my husband and he hates it when I'm late…''

She noticed how James flinched slightly, but came back with a grin.

''Yeah… I've been married twice. Spouses tend to really care about punctuality, huh?''

Sam laughed and shrugged in return.

''This is my first, so I'm not so sure about that one…''

James looked at the wedding band on her hand.

''…Did it right the first time?''

She felt a blush creeping up on her.

''Maybe.''

She gave herself a mental slap for that answer. Of course she did it right. She cared about her husband, she loved him more than any… most people. She let out a short laugh and tried to make her comment sound like a joke. James squinted his eyes, but held back a comment of his own.

''I'll see you.''

She waved and walked away.

* * *

Jack lay on his bed in the hotel room and stared at the clean white ceiling. There were things he could do, things the friendly lady at the reception had told him he could do. Visit a museum, take pictures of the monument on the Dam Square, hop on a canal cruiser to stare at other people… As much as he liked the city, he had very little interest in being a tourist. Maybe he could go out and get some food… A small knock on the door pulled him out of his musings and he got up slowly, expecting to find someone from the hotel staff at the door. Instead, he found the single most amazing person in the world staring at him.

''Sam!''

He hoped that didn't sound too eager and that if it did, she hadn't noticed.

''Hey…''

She looked uncomfortable, but not about the situation.

''I um… I didn't really know where else to go…''

She bit her lower lip and for a moment, Jack was worried that it would start bleeding. He stared at her mouth and realised she was still standing in the hallway.

''Come in…''

He stepped aside to allow her trough and she didn't even hesitate to enter his room. They had spoken to each other on several occasions, but Jack was surprised about her showing up like this. As if she had done so for ages already. Sure, technically, she had done just that but she didn't _know_ that… She was now standing in the middle of the room with her arms wrapped around herself, lost in thought. Something was wrong. Totally off… She started to talk.

''I know that this sounds crazy, James, but I… I really think that I'm starting to slowly loose it.''

She turned to face him and looked him in the eyes, seemingly searching for something in them. She didn't know, did she? She couldn't… She bit her lip again and he really wished she would stop doing that.

''You… Have we met before? Before the encounter in the bookstore, I mean…''

Hello. Jack had no idea how to respond and he didn't. Sam continued speaking before he could do so anyway.

''Never mind, I know we haven't it's just that… You remind me of someone I used to know and the feeling is so strong that it makes me feel…''

''…confused?''

He had finished her sentence with the feeling he had himself, before he even knew it. She stared at him.

''Yeah.''

If things would have been different, Jack would have pulled her into a hug, showing her that everything in the world would eventually be right again. He would have kissed her and shut everything else out. Things, however where the way they were and all he could do was keep a safe distance and be James Fielding.

''I was in the Stargate Programme.''

Sam blurted it out and Jack wondered why. He forgot that he was supposed to look surprised. He forgot all about James Fielding. His old life came rushing back in due to those two words coming from her. She had pretended not to be Samantha Carter. She had used her husbands last name when she introduced herself and it had made him feel hurt.

''I know.''

James kicked in the moment the words had left his mouth. He needed to repair the damage.

''…I saw the documentary yesterday. On TV…''

Smooth Jack. Very. Sam looked as if she didn't quite believe him, but her trust seemed to return slowly.

''And?''

Jack shrugged and hoped that he looked casual.

''I won't hold it against you…''

She smiled and he once again realised just how much he loved her.

* * *

He made her smile, she had to give him that. Another way in which she saw Jack in this perfect stranger. There were moments in which she could have sworn she saw a glint of the man she had hoped to always be with. Sam wasn't exactly sure what she was doing in his hotel room, but something told her that this was where she needed to be. She had seen him five times before this one. Over coffee, just to chat about life and everything related to it. He was a stranger, but they had already developed a friendship that came about so easy, and which made her feel so… normal. Not like Carter the soldier slash scientist. Not like the poor woman who had a tumour growing inside her head. When she was with James, she could just be. When she told him about the little things that made her wonder or think, it was almost as if he already knew. Sam had wondered how he would react to her being one of SG-1's so called heroes, especially after his earlier comment about how he thought it was silly. She had actually stayed awake pondering how to tell him. And here he was, shrugging it off as if it was the most logical personal history one could have. She sat down on the bed and let out a sigh.

''I would have been so disappointed if you had only wanted to be my friend because I'm so overwhelmingly cool.''

She glanced at him just in time to catch him grinning before putting on a serious face again.

''Yeah well, I do expect all the inside scoop now. Gossip, love affairs…''

She pulled a face.

''There were no love affairs. Plenty of gossip, but nah.''

He looked at her with an intensity that made her blush. She broke the stare by looking at her hands. He came to sit next to her on the bed.

''What about that General?''

She expected that and continued to study her hands. She couldn't talk about Jack. She had trouble speaking about him to her own husband, so why could she do so to someone she had met such a short time ago?

''Seen that in the documentary as well?''

''Ýeah.''

''Oh.''

She needed to cut her nails. They had been short or most of her life, but now they had grown. Just like her hair. Jack had loved it longer. The hair, they never really talked about the nails…

''We never… Not while we were working together, anyway. That happened after…''

Her hands were softer too, less cut up. Her husband jokingly called her a _real_ scientist now. One who used her brains, instead of her fists to safe the world. She felt James' eyes fixed on her face.

''He died. There was a robbery''

She remembered the flashing lights. Blue, Red. Yellow headlights. People talking in terms she wished she never heard. The body, the victim. The killer, fatal gunshots…

''He just… died.''

* * *

_She rushed over to the store, keeping her military training in her head as her pounding heart quickly took over her actions. She opened the door and tried to take cover, because she expected to be in the line of fire. Instead of the flying bullets an almost complete silence greeted her. There was nobody waiting for her with a gun, no one telling her to lie on the floor, face down. All she saw was Jack lying there, blood running out of his body as if someone had opened a tap. She heard a sound she could classify as sobbing, coming from behind the counter. Sam knelt down to check for a pulse, soaking her hands in his blood. Nothing. Not a single beat. She felt desperate as she called for an ambulance. She managed to check on the clerk, who turned out to be curled up under the counter, crying and praying for help. He was fine, Jack was not._

* * *

Hours had gone by and Jack had managed to be James Fielding the entire time. Sam had opened up to him about …him. About Jack. His death, their relationship. Her decease. It was uncharacteristic, but she had. It had been just like it had been before. Like the times they had spend talking and laughing, before ending up in bed together to do whatever they had in mind at the time. She had missed him as much as Jack had missed her without her knowing about it.

Sam smiled a smile he had seen so often before they got together. The one reflecting the big 'what if?'. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it, knowing that it was all he could do now.

''I should go.''

He looked at his watch.

''Yeah, it's getting late.''

They rose to their feet and Sam held on to his hand.

''Thank you James. It's nice to have a new friend…''

He nodded and remained silent.

''I'll just…''

She let go of his hand and pointed at the door. And then she did something that Jack never saw coming. She gave him a small kiss on the corner of his mouth.

''…'Night.''

''Good night.''

And gone she was.

...

* * *

There will be more.

Thanks for your time! :)


	6. Take a chance

Yeah. Updating, almost done. *blushes*

**Thanks for the reviews! You're great!  
**Here goes:

**...**

**In my life**

~ Take a chance

..

''Jack?''

She stood on the parking lot and she knew that this wasn't going to last forever. Still… Everything felt better than it had ever felt. He was here. Alive. She couldn't move and he didn't seem to be planning on stepping towards her.

''Sam…''

His eyes smiled, but his expression was neutral.

''…Let me go.''

She shook her head and the words seemed to be stuck in the back of her throat. She couldn't say them. _No. Never. _

''You have to.''

She had no trouble breathing, but her limbs felt numb and her voice had left her. _No. No, Jack… _

He shook his head and turned around. His image moved away from her and all she could do was stand there, frozen on the spot. He moved further and further away and just when he had almost disappeared, she re-found her voice.

''No!''

It had come out soft and harsh, but Sam knew that her husband had heard her. He was awake, she could tell because he was rubbing her side. She closed her eyes and hoped he would let it go.

''Bad dream?''

She sighed while she felt his breath against her ear. It made her shudder.

''Yeah.''

''About him?''

Not again. Please not this discussion again…

''No.''

She lied and wondered when she had gotten so good at it. She hardly ever had to lie to him, but when it came to the subject that was Jack O'Neill versus the new husband, it seemed to be all she did lately. Lie after lie.

''Good.''

She felt his hand move over her body and she found his lips touching the skin of her neck. It had been a while since they had made love and Sam felt guilty, because she had been the one who had kept her distance. She rolled on her back so she could look him in the eyes and h took the opportunity to kiss her.

''I…''

She couldn't. She knew she was about to push him away and yet she let her hands run trough his hair while he kissed his way down to her neck again.

''God Sam…''

He moaned and his hands felt warm on her skin. It wasn't… She couldn't…

''Stop. Just… stop.''

He froze and she sat up so quickly that it made her dizzy. She closed her eyes and sighed.

''I'm sorry. I just…''

He interrupted her, having heard the excuses before.

''It's fine. Really. I get it.''

The mattress moved as he got up. He didn't look at her and made his way to the bathroom.

''I need a cold shower.''

...

Jack tried to put the phone down as gently as possible. He really did try, it being hotel property and all, but he failed. He had to go home. Presidents order, whatever that was still worth. What could they do to him anyway? Who were they going to punish, Jack O'Neill who was supposed to be dead, or James Fielding who in all fairness, didn't even exist? He couldn't leave Sam. He knew it wasn't up to him to comfort her, that she was married and that she was no longer his to worry about. But she was …Sam. ''_The'' _Sam, as one of his close friends had once blurted out at a time in which no one was supposed to know how deep his admiration for her ran. She could be dying and he had to leave her behind. Again.

He checked the phone and noticed a small crack in the plastic bodywork. No one would notice and it was still working.

He stared at the empty bag which was laying in one of the corners of the room. It was bright red and a label attached to it read ''J. Fielding''. He hated that person with all his heart. James was an ass. He stole seats from old ladies and sold cars that would probably run until the time the new owners couldn't take it back anymore. James was the type of person who had a 'girlfriend', even tough he was too old to use that phrase. James was fit and smug and Jack knew that the only reason he could manage to play someone like that was out of loathing. His hate for his alter ego fuelled the arrogance that drove James Fielding. And here he was, being the same James Fielding around Sam Carter and she had managed to make Jack be grateful for him. For the first time since his fake death, Jack felt that he and the salesman were one and the same person. And that person was still in love with her.

...

Sam inhaled the smell of coffee and warmed her hands to the oversized stone mug. The sun was shining, but the air felt sharp and cold. She knew that, because her window was wide open. Her husband thought of it as one of her more annoying habits, but when she felt trapped these days, she had to breathe in fresh air. She loved the winter. She heard a knock on the door and wondered who it could be. Probably one of the neighbours. To ask for sugar, to ask if she had seen their cat, a one eyed monster who was named fluffy or fuzzy and who took great pleasure out of biting people. Maybe the female part of the couple would once again hint to Sam that she really had to walk up the stairs with a little less sound. No matter what ''they from 29'' would want, she wasn't in the mood to give it to them. She opened the door and found James there.

''What are you doing here?''

He frowned and actually took a step back before grinning at her.

''Nothin'…''

''I'm sorry, I thought you were one of my neighbours.''

She hesitated a couple of seconds, before stepping to the side to let him enter. She heard him respond with an understanding 'ah' and she quickly scanned the room to see if there was anything left of the mess that had been lying around her living room earlier. She knew it was an unnecessary thing to do, because she had cleaned the entire apartment mere minutes ago. Sam felt a small flutter in her stomach and at the very same moment she realised how nervous he was making her feel.

''…They're not very happy with me.''

''I can't imagine that.''

His eyes locked with hers and all she could do was stare back, a pillow in hand because she had decided that she needed to do something, anything to keep her hands busy. Right now, it meant she would rearrange the pillows on the couch, but if James would look at her with that seemingly familiar expression any longer… By god, she would have to find herself a screwdriver so she could …disassemble a closet.

''…yeah well.''

She shrugged and he made himself at home by taking place on a chair. Jack. He reminded her of Jack so much. The way he sat, he way he took up a chunk of the available space…

''Do you want some coffee? I have some beer, if you prefer that?''

''Beer sounds good.''

She blinked and made her way into the kitchen more abrupt than she had intended.

''It's um… It's Dutch, if you're ok with it…''

A short silence greeted her, before he responded.

''Yeah, sure. I can lay off the Guinness for a while.''

She turned to face the door opening so fast, that she had to grab the kitchen counter to stop herself from tumbling over. She closed her eyes and whispered to herself. _He's gone, Sam. He's gone._

_..._

Crap. If he hadn't already known he shouldn't have said that, he could tell by the silence coming from the kitchen. He had never been good at dealing with emotion and this time, Jack knew wouldn't be any different.

''Sam?''

Nothing. Not even an acknowledgement that she had heard him. He was an ass. He slowly made his way over to her and found her standing at the counter with her back to him.

''Everything OK?''

She turned around and smiled at him, but he noticed something else. Grief? Sadness?

''I'm fine, I just…''

She waved a hand in the air shook her head before turning back to the counter and grabbing two bottles of beer. She was hesitating and Jack knew she was reluctant to look at him.

''Sam…''

He grabbed her by the shoulders and he was fully intended on comforting her like any other friend would have done. He didn't register when his hands started sliding down her arms slowly or when she tilted her head so that he could reach her neck to use it as a starting point for the trail of kisses leading towards her collarbone. Jack was, however, fully aware of the fact that she pulled his arms tight around her, to turn around in his embrace. His body pressed up against hers and the deep blue of her eyes so close by confused him as much as it excited him. Her hands were in his hair now and all he could do was stare. He couldn't let this happen. He was the one knowing the truth. He was supposed to not be Jack O'Neill who had made it a habit to be with her in this way. She pulled him closer to her and he let her do so. He brushed his lips against the corner of her mouth and realised, a little too late yet again, that that was something he had done so many times before in that other lifetime. Sam, seemingly unaware of that, reacted the way she always had. She kissed him back.

She bit his lip by accident and his hands were so tangled up in her hair, that it must have hurt when he pulled them out so he could place them on her hips. Neither of them cared. Jack felt like an ass for letting the lie carry on, but he couldn't stop. He knew his way around her body and the knowledge that the skin he was touching held very little secrets from him clouded every sane thought he had. He was an ass, but he loved her. He was James, but she was still his. She was about to sleep with a man who wasn't her husband and he had no intention to keep her from making that mistake. He let her lead him to the bedroom while he took his time to get rid of the fabric that got in the way of where he wanted his hands and lips to be.

...

She should have been drunk. It would have been the only excuse that would have made sense to her. That or the good old evil parasite excuse. Her heart was pounding and she had trouble breathing, even tough the window was still open, letting in the cold air. James had undone the buttons of her shirt and she felt the wind on her body.

''Where's your husband?''

His voice was a whisper and she knew that he wasn't informing to remind her of the fact that she _had_ one. He wanted her, here and now and he didn't seem to care where her husband was as long as he wasn't about to show up here.

''Meeting in The Hague, he won't be back until tomorrow…''

She had never done this before. She had never cheated on anyone, but she wasn't feeling guilty. It was wrong, but having James kissing her, knowing that he was intending for much more to happen was what she needed.

They had reached the bedroom and upon realising that, he stepped back and took her hand while searching her eyes for …something. Maybe he found what he was looking for, maybe he didn't. Either way, Sam soon found herself revelling in the warmth of his body. He let her be in control, without ever seeming the weaker party. She took her time and so did he. She needed him and she let him know it in the only way she was capable of at the moment.

...

She wasn't sure how much time had passed, but when she found herself sitting up, still holding on to James it felt like hours had passed. His arms slid around her waist and she stroked the back of his head with both her hands. He looked up at her with an expression Sam couldn't quite read.

''That was great.''

It was a simple, but true statement and she smiled in return. He kissed her and for a second, Sam felt the hope that they would just start all over again. He pulled back and the same unreadable expression returned to his face.

''There's something you should know.''

It came out of the blue and Sam blinked.

''What?''

He let his hands roam over her bare back and she enjoyed it until he suddenly stopped.

''I can't… ''

He looked her in the eyes and the position they were in suddenly seemed too intimate for the words that were coming.

''I'm not who you think I am, Sam…''

...

_One or two chapters and we're done. I hope to update soon and I apologize for the long wait._

_Thanks for your time!_


	7. Words of comfort

**Thanks for the reviews! **And for putting up with me...  
Let's go:

* * *

**In My Life**

~Words of comfort

_I'm not who you think I am, Sam… _Serial killer. Stalker. Paparazzi. PR agent.. Sam let all the possibilities run trough her head, but none of them seemed to fit James. It was faulty logic, she knew that, but still. She had trusted him completely and now… Now she found herself getting dressed in front of the mirror, wondering why in earth she had fallen for someone she didn't even know. She wished she could blame the thing that was growing in her head, or maybe the fact that she was starting to realize that there was something about her life as it was that wasn't right… God, how big of an idiot could she be? _…not who you think I am… _Did she even take the time to figure out who he really was before jumping into bed with him? She had cheated on her husband and she still wasn't feeling guilty about it. She had changed over the years and she hated having to admit it.

''Sam…''

James spoke to her from the door opening. A spot he seemed to have chosen because he wasn't sure he could safely enter the room. She didn't answer and kept her position in front of the mirror, which she used to look at him. She ran a hand trough her hair and sighed.

''I shouldn't have…'', he started, ''I just…''

He was looking at the floor seemingly struggling, trying to figure out what to do or say. Sam turned around to face him.

''You just… what?''

He looked her in the eyes, finally. Sam took a few step forward, but instinctively stopped at the invisible border formed by the door opening. She stood in the bedroom, he stood in the hallway. Safe sides.

''I need you Sam.''

_Stalker. Serial Killer. _She was such and idiot.

''Who are you, James?''

She wished she could go back in time again. Not by much, just a couple of years. Just before she turned into Samantha 2.0. She wanted to go back to the time before she turned into a desperate housewife who saw no problem in sleeping with someone she had known for an amount of weeks she could count on two hands. If banging her head against the wall wouldn't look crazy, she probably would have done it.

''It's not James.''

…Maybe she would end up banging *his* head against the wall… She realised that she should have had a gun. Sure it was illegal in the country she was in, but still… Stupid, stupid, stu…

''It's Jack. It's *me*, Sam.''

…pid.

''What?''

No he wasn't. Sam stared at him, unsure of what to do.

* * *

Jack watched the expression on her face change. Her body stiffened and she was clenching her fists. He took a step back, because he wasn't sure what she was going to do. She opened her mouth to speak, but decided against it. He knew that nothing he would say could change the situation he had gotten himself in. There was nothing he could do except for offering whatever explanation he could give. He could tell her. He could offer soothing words, have her sit down and come up with something clever to say…

''I'm not dead.''

Yeah. That sure sounded articulate. Sam bit her lower lip while she was slowly regaining some control.

''No. No you're not…''

''Obviously.''

She shook her head and he could see the anger in her eyes.

''No, I… You're not him. You're just… not!''

It was her turn to step back and the fact that she turned her back on him told Jack that she was confused. He was quite proud of making that assessment, because he was as confused as she was. He was such an idiot. She turned around again, still biting her lip.

''This isn't funny, you know…''

''Sam…''

He wished he could reach out to her, scoop her up in a hug.

''I mean it.''

''So do I.''

He sighed. Faking your own death. Great idea.

''The Jack O'Neill I knew would never…''

''Lie? Put someone else's safety over his own? Fake his death and live like someone who sells used cars? Because really Sam, it shouldn't be news to you that I would do all that.''

He frowned and made a gesture with his hand.

''…Except for the faking death part. That obviously was something new.''

Sam glared at him. The words 'cute' and 'deadly' came up almost instantaneously.

''And people change, Sam. _You_ changed.''

Jack studied her face and noticed how her eyes still betrayed exactly how she felt. He was right and she knew it.

''I need you to trust me.''

She shook her head slowly.

''I can't. You can't be him… I saw him die.''

He sighed and couldn't blame her for her reaction. He hadn't expected her to believe him. Not really. He had hoped, though…

''You saw exactly what you needed to see. You heard what you needed to hear. Did you see the shooter? Are you sure I had no pulse when you checked?''

She was thinking, he could tell. He had seen enough 'fake death' movies to know that he should have tried to convince her that he was really him by blurting out stories about their first kiss, the underwear he wore when they had slept together for the first time or something else only he would know. But he somehow failed to do so. It seemed wrong to bring up something light and funny now. He wasn't in the mood and by the looks of it, neither was she.

''Get out.''

Now that he had expected. A little sooner, but still…He stepped closer to her, without actually crossing the border that was the door opening.

''You know it's true Sam. I know the story seems shaky, but I think that what happened between us speaks for itself. I know I look far from who I was, but it _felt _the same to me.''

She crossed her arms and her body tensed.

''I have a headache and… Please. Just… leave.''

He nodded and stepped back.

''You know where I'll be. I'm flying home tomorrow evening.''

He went into the living room to collect his stuff and hoped that he would see her in time. They had called him back. The President had called him back and he couldn't stay. It wasn't safe.

Sam followed him without saying a word. He knew she was looking at him with that deep frown she sometimes had when she was processing information she couldn't place.

''And just so you know I know…''

He turned to face her as he reached the door.

''…The underwear I wore when we first made love? It was black and white and you thought it was boring.''

With that he left, just to catch a glimpse of what Jack thought was a smile.

TBC

* * *

Ok, I admit. This might be leaning to OOC *blushes*  
But it all makes sense. In my head. ;)  
Blame the long intervals between updates? Hm.


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